The Revival

January 30, eh?  It's been more than 6 months since I updated last!  It's time to get this blog revived and started up again.  To say I've been "busy" would be putting it mildly.  In the last 6+ months, I bought a house and moved into it with my significant other.

And most recently, that significant other became my fiance.

Once the proposal happened, we quickly secured a venue.  We "lucked" out in some ways, because the venue is gorgeous and usually needs to be reserved 1-2 years in advance, but there was an opening and the opening meant the wedding is in January!  That left me about 6 months to plan, which meant I've been a major stress-o-holic for the past month.  I finally feel like I am almost caught up and can breathe a bit easier.

But enough about boring personal details, this is an ETL blog.  I've been doing what I can, but to be honest, I have only been about 60% ETL.  In some ways, moving in with someone has curbed my bingeing.  I can't pig out in front of someone or bring home bags of [insert artery-clogging foods] only to snack on them into the late night.  The downside is that I end up giving in a lot to social situations.  Now we eat out more together (typically SAD) and I am surrounded at home by SAD items he eats.  Of course it is ultimately my responsibility and my choice to eat these things so these aren't excuses.

I know that I really need to be doing ETL closer to 95%, not 60% and I want to get there.  Blogging seems to help me even if no one is listening (hah), so here we go again.

I need HELP.

I keep sabotaging myself. I do a couple of days well and then blow it. When I blow it, it becomes a few days of "blowing it" before I can get back on track. I'm so tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Although I understand it a lot better, I haven't actually solved the problem. I have to get tough. I have to work through my issues.

I've decided to go back to Beck. I was in therapy years ago and cognitive therapy helped get me through the tough situation I was dealing with back then. I believe it can help me now. I tried the Beck plan a couple of years ago when I first read the book but didn't follow through. This time, I am going to DO the exercises, whether I want to or not. I am going to talk back to my sabotaging thoughts.

April 1

It's a new month and I've joined in a thread at the forums at drfuhrman.com to lose "10# by May 1" - although for me, my goal is just 5. Since I don't have as much weight to lose, I don't think it's possible for me to lose 10 that quickly. I'm excited and hoping the accountability and support will really help.

Although I've made a lot of good changes, I still don't feel that I'm there yet. The truth is that I STILL haven't conquered this bingeing problem and have bouts of huge sugar and salt intake. I know that it's mostly a habit for me and that this is the way I've learned to "de-stress" and cope when I'm dealing with hard emotions. Why do I still do it? Good question. I'm still figuring that part out. I think I haven't figured out a better substitute. So part of what I am going to try now are breaking the habit and replacing it with something else.

I weigh in "officially" on Monday.

6 Weeks

I started thinking about today's date and I realized that time is ticking away and I really need to get my nutrition down pat. I do NOT want a repeat of last year where every long race I did, I had nutrition problems. I need to nail down my optimal eating plan well ahead of time and figure out my race day nutrition.

I have never been able to successfully finish a 6-week period of ETL. I end up not doing it "perfectly" and then give up. I've been thinking about trying again but am (1) afraid of failure and (2) there is always some excuse why NOT to do something. I'm going away next week, it is X's birthday celebration this weekend, the holidays, etc. I'm tired of excuses. I am not perfect and won't ever be. Now is as good a time to start as any. On a WEDNESDAY no less! Not Monday, not the 1st of the month - right now.

As Emily has said, "100% perfection is totally different from 100% committment."

So I'm committing to 42 days. Will it be perfect? I don't know but I will stay 100% committed. I will log everything honestly for 42 days. I'm not always able to get to a computer (I'll be gone for a few days traveling next week, for example) but it IS possible to travel and eat ETL.

It's just 42 days!

Awareness

I've been listening to old Jillian Michaels podcasts and even though I mostly completely ignore the nutrition information, she has some great tips on getting your mind in a better place. One thing I really like about her is that she's not just about fitness. She incorporates the mind aspect of it, which is the biggest thing I struggle with.

The podcast I listened to today talked about breaking negative patterns/habits and stopping the negative self-talk.

Guilty and guiltier.

These patterns are so ingrained in me that it's often difficult to even realize I'm doing it to myself. It can easily progress very quickly from one slip-up to horrible things I would never tell anyone. It generally starts like this:

I eat something I wasn't supposed to.

"Oops"

"I can't believe I ate that"

"What is wrong with me?"

"I failed again!"

"OMG I am an utter FAILURE and am NEVER going to be able to do this!!"

Yes, overly dramatic, but that's how my mind works sometimes. The trick (or so I've read) is stopping the behavior somewhere -- ANYWHERE -- in the cycle, acknowledging it, and starting again.

Now that I'm more aware, I'm going to try to stop the cycle.

Here I am again.

I didn't stop ETL-ing -- just stopped posting. Life got in the way of that. I did some triathlons in between and just finished up the last one this past weekend. Now race season is over and it's officially "Fat Season." I'm determined to make it "Fat LOSS Season." Hah. How awesome would it be to end the year off lighter than I am? I still think ETL will get me there, but is it too much wishful thinking that I could get to goal by the end of the year? That would be the best Christmas gift I could give me!

If I'm brutally honest, I've been about 60% successful implementing ETL. I've had many starts, stops, and hiccups along the way. I bet if I can move that closer to 90%, or heck, even anywhere closer to 100%, I'd be doing better. The one thing that seems to be throwing me off is the emotional eating. I am still bingeing and overeating when stressed out. I want to break these bad habits once and for all.

This is part of the reason I am posting again. Posting gives me accountability and anything I can do to make myself accountable is one step further from those bad habits.

I weighed in earlier this week at 119 lbs, which is less than I've been since I started this blog. Only a little more than 10 lbs and I'll be at Fuhrman's recommended weight.

I haven't given up

I could tell you about how busy I've been with a roommate moving out, a few more dates I've been on, social events I've planned and attended, and long bike rides I've been on, but it doesn't matter in the end... I've neglected this blog! In doing so, I also fell back into some old patterns of SAD-eating. I've done okay this past weekend, still having green smoothies and salads, but I've let too many treats back into my daily meals.

I've decided I don't think I can do the "6-week plan"... at least not right now. That probably should have been obvious with all the breaks in the actual 4 weeks that I did it. Instead, I'd like to concentrate on developing a more consistent ETL approach to my daily food. I seem to go through periods of "perfect" meals and then weekends of horribly sugary, fatty, salty foods. I may still post daily food, and I'll keep weighing in weekly to track my progress, but I'm not going to commit to a certain time period. This is a lifestyle after all...