On track

I had a slight slip up on Sunday and Monday night but I didn't let it derail me and I'm back on track. I felt bloated and "off" today from the high intake of salt.

Still doing Beck, although I haven't been detailing the steps here. I've been through these initial steps before so I didn't want to repeat my thoughts. I'll probably start soon though, just as a form of reinforcement.

The coach sent out an interesting email yesterday and then reiterated some of the points today after the workout. It was essentially about how (triathletes) look for answers in the wrong places. They look for external things that they can change easily: a different coach, different bike fit, lighter bike, new gadgets ... but those things are only 10% or less of the equation. It's what we do everyday that really counts. It's putting in the quality workouts, eating a proper diet, getting enough sleep and keeping our stress levels down. That's what will really produce results.

His talk resonated with me because I know I've been there before. I neglect the daily things (especially sleep!) and think about how getting a new bike will make me faster. But I really need to put the time into myself first.

Just Say No

Five days into Beck and I'm already feeling better. I'm using it in conjunction with ETL and so far, I've been able to talk back to those negative thoughts. Yesterday I did a club race which is always fun but they also always have TONS of food afterward. Not just any food either... it's loads of gourmet pizzas, pasta dishes, and salads from yummy local restaurant. Usually one of the members brings some homemade desserts as well. I can usually resist store-bought desserts (I'm a food snob, ok?) but homemade dessert? It's tough to resist temptation when it is sitting right in front of you.

But I did the race, packed up, and left immediately so I wouldn't be tempted to eat anything. Luckily I wasn't very hungry anyway and I just made myself a healthy dinner when I got home. Today I went to the usual bagel shop with some swim buddies and also managed not to have any bagels. At lunch time today, I skipped the usual pizza (my company always goes out for pizza -- on the company dollar -- on Fridays) AND resisted an invite from coworkers to join them at a nearby sandwich shop.

And then at 5 pm, when I started feeling genuinely hungry, I resisted eating and buying junk food while at the market, even though it meant making dinner at 7:30 and eating at 8 pm.

I am on a roll!

And I'm also giving myself Credit a la Beck. :)

1. green smoothie: 2 oranges, 1/4 lemon, 1 T flax, 8 oz bok choy

2. salad: romaine, baby carrots, 1/2 cup black beans, cucumber, green velvet dressing + 1 banana

3. salad: broccoli, napa cabbage, carrots, sweet pea dressing + fava beans (SO good!) + 1 cup cherries

4. run: 0:45, weights: 0:45

I need HELP.

I keep sabotaging myself. I do a couple of days well and then blow it. When I blow it, it becomes a few days of "blowing it" before I can get back on track. I'm so tired of doing the same thing over and over again. Although I understand it a lot better, I haven't actually solved the problem. I have to get tough. I have to work through my issues.

I've decided to go back to Beck. I was in therapy years ago and cognitive therapy helped get me through the tough situation I was dealing with back then. I believe it can help me now. I tried the Beck plan a couple of years ago when I first read the book but didn't follow through. This time, I am going to DO the exercises, whether I want to or not. I am going to talk back to my sabotaging thoughts.

May 11

My smoothie this morning was bitter and I didn't enjoy it. I wonder if a seed got into the mix. I am feeling much better today and more positive. I was feeling retched Sunday and a little yesterday. I have to remember that I won't be perfect but I can try to do the best I can. This is hard for the perfectionist in me.

I know ETL says "no snacking" but I am having a hard time dealing with the time between lunch and dinner on days that I have a second workout. I typically get hungry around 12-1 pm for lunch but I can't get to the pool until after 6 pm to do the workout, which usually means dinner isn't until 8 pm. I've been having a small snack around 5 pm because of the psychological need but I also wonder if I really need this. 8 hours seems like a long time to go without food and especially when you throw in having to do a workout near the end.

1. green smoothie: 1 large orange, 1 small apple, 1 T flax, 8 oz kale

2. salad: romaine, baby carrots, 1/4 cucumber, 1/2 small avocado, dijon pistachio dressing

3. trail mix

4. salad: spinach, kale, carrots, with green velvet dressing + 2 servings berries/cherries blend

5. bike: 0:50, run: 0:30, swim: 1:00

Weekend Update: Camping

I went camping over the weekend, which was a first for me in many, many years. I was pretty worried about what I'd be able to eat during the trip, especially since I already knew what everyone else was bringing: burgers, sausages, chili (with meat), corn bread, cookies...

I'm pleased to say that I did okay while at the campsite. I brought vegetables to cook, canned beans, chopped salad and fruit. I got some strange looks while eating the chopped salad but I didn't mind. I ended up having some SAD food but it wasn't horrible.

I should have felt good about staying on track (I did) but I have to admit that I messed up shortly after that. On the way back from the campsite, we stopped at a diner-style establishment and had lunch. I don't know what I was thinking but I didn't order well at all.

And then when I got home, it just spiraled downward. I started snacking and eating and eating...

In retrospect, I think I was just TIRED and I was eating to "do something" and stay awake. I was also avoiding doing the chores I had to do because I was tired and didn't have energy. So I ate.

What I should have done is taken a nap and then reassessed when I woke up. Maybe I would have felt more energetic if I had done that. I'm sure I would have at least been thinking clearly.

I'm glad I recognized this (even if after the fact) but today I am feeling physically terrible. I am bloated from the sugar and salt and slightly nauseous. I am not even hungry for food.

May 7

It's way past my bedtime. Just typing this up briefly before I turn in for the night. I did great today. The big challenge was to not overeat AND not eat non-ETL foods at the work potluck today. I mostly succeeded at that. I had a very small piece of fish that one of my coworkers caught locally. But I didn't eat: burgers, pizza (seriously - who brings pizza to a potluck?!), chips, potato salad, deviled eggs, cookies, pie ...

And - I got in my second workout this evening... usually it's tough to get mentally focused to workout Friday night.

1. green smoothie: 1 orange, big handful of strawberries, 8 oz mixed collards and romaine, 1 T flax seed

2. salad: romaine, baby carrots, 1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/2 cucumber, 1/2 small avocado, dijon pistachio dressing + frozen grapes

3. (work potluck): 1-2 oz white sea bass, edamame, (thank goodness for the veggie platter): snap peas, grape tomatoes, baby carrots

4. salad (HUGE): broccoli, cabbage, spinach, carrots with 1/2 serving sweet pea dressing + 1.5 cups pinto beans + 8 oz mixed berries and cherries

5. bike: 1:00, bike: 1:10

Motivating Reason #4

I got side-tracked when my posts disappeared and I want to finish off these motivating reasons... so here is motivating reason #4:

I'll practice what I believe and prove that ETL works.

I have been trying at ETL for about a year and a half now but haven't completely succeeded. I have had hiccups along the way. I am not the epitome of health. I am overweight and weigh more now than I have in any period of my life. I have high cholesterol. I catch colds frequently. I try not to be "preachy" and tell people why I'm eating this way but when those close to me question my motives I can't help but throw a few things out there... how eating animal protein could lead to cancer, that there is ample calcium in vegetables, that dairy is not a health-promoting food...

I am usually met with either denial or disbelief.

That's fine and I'm not trying to convince anyone, but what really gets me are the persistent observations about myself:

• If this is the optimal way to eat then why are you highest weight now?
• Why do you have high cholesterol?
• Why do you get sick so often?

Because I haven't been doing it 100%! Because I have issues with bingeing! But I can't say that. I am working on those issues.

One of the worst incidents was when someone very close to me -- a meat-eating, fast-food lovin' fan -- pointed out that his cholesterol is the same as mine and that his stomach is flatter. Ouch. Clearly, he was skeptical about ETL.

I am going to prove them all wrong. ETL works.

May 5, 6

I was at the Boy's house last night and got back too late to log. Definitely some mindless eating yesterday shortly after lunch though. I didn't get enough sleep the night before and I can tell I wanted to eat even though I'm wasn't really hungry. I was just looking for something to do to keep me awake at work. I had also found a fruit and nut bar in my desk drawer around 11 am and quickly consumed it because I was feeling hungry again and wanted something before going to the gym at lunch. I don't feel too guilty because of course it could be worse and I am proud that I still went to the gym. Often, I would have given into temptation and then think that I've already blown it, and continue down the wrong path for the rest of the day (and not exercise)... here's yesterday's food:

1. green smoothie: 1 orange, big handful of strawberries, 8 oz mixed collards and parsley, 1 T flax seed

2. fruit and nut bar

3. salad: romaine, baby carrots, 1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/2 cucumber, 1/2 avocado, dijon pistachio dressing + 3 loquats + 10 Chinese dates

4. small 1.5 cup salad: broccoli, spinach, cabbage with rest of the orange-peanut dressing; then at Boy's house: 1 can kidney beans + 1/3 bag frozen spinach + 1/2 beer

5. swim: 0:50, weights: 0:30

We had to run a 5K for the track workout today. That was very tough for me. I got lapped not once but TWICE by the fastest guy. My time was too horrible to even mention. I had a heart-to-heart discussion about it later with the coach. He told me it's all in my head. He thinks I'm not mentally where I should be and that I don't believe in myself. He says he's seen me run fast at practice but I'm not racing like that. I am capable of more. When he said that, I felt like crying.

He wasn't being mean, just honest and trying to be helpful. He gave me some things to work on. Our training group is small so I feel like a lot of times there is no one for me to run with. It is either the older, heavier men or the super fast girls. There are super fast guys as well but they are so far out of my league I hardly see them (except when they lap me more than once!). Coach thinks I should be able to run with the super fast girls. Or at least TRY to. He wants me to chase them down and hang with them as long as I can, even if it means burning out later. So that's the goal... run fast to get fast.

Today's food was not great. No bingeing, thankfully, but lots of snacking and not the right kind. I definitely overate as I feel very full now.

1. green smoothie: 1 orange, big handful of strawberries, 8 oz mixed collards and parsley, 1 T flax seed

2. salad: romaine, baby carrots, 1/2 cup pinto beans, 1/2 cucumber, 1/2 avocado, dijon pistachio dressing + 10 Chinese dates

3. clif bar

4. Great Greens + 1 cup fresh fava beans + soy crisps (1/2 bag!!!) + a lot of dried fruit

5. run: 0:50, swim: 0:30

May 4

I'm feeling much better today but I'm still not sure what happened to me yesterday. I was mostly ETL today, except for the 4:30 pm bagel. I was very hungry and knew I still had to workout and probably wouldn't eat dinner until after 8:00 pm. Part of it was probably psychological... I just don't know if I can wait that long without food. It's silly really. Of course I can wait! And then the other part of me is wondering how I am ever going to be able to exercise while hungry. Another silly thought. I had plenty of food for lunch and should have been fueled.

When I think about it longer though, I probably could have used a little more fuel at lunch time. Maybe a cup of bean soup or some fat. The healthy slaw is just vegetables and an apple.

1. green smoothie: 1 orange, big handful of strawberries, 8 oz mixed beet greens and parsley, 1 T flax seed

2. big serving of healthy slaw, about 4 cups

3. whole grain bagel

4. salad: romaine, broccoli, carrots, with orange-peanut dressing + Great Greens

5. bike: 0:50, run: 0:25, swim: 0:45

May 3

I felt really off this morning and more so in the afternoon. I almost threw up a few times (dry-heaving) but I'm not sure what's wrong. I ended up sleeping immediately once I came home and had a nice 2 hour nap but when I woke up at 9 pm was hungry. At least I feel a lot better. Hoping that was just a weird fluke.

1. green smoothie: 1 T flax, 1 orange, strawberries, 8 oz bok choy

2. a large serving of healthy slaw

3. (very late) at least a lb of cauliflower, cooked with salt-free seasoning

4. swim: 1:00