December 29

Today there were a lot of temptations at work. Cake, brownies, cheese and crackers, tortilla chips and salsa, candy... I end up in the kitchen a lot because I always seem to be cleaning my dishes or getting water. I really wanted to try the homemade desserts but had to keep reminding myself of the rewards in sight. I also had to remember:

Your body is the result of thousands of past decisions.

Stay on track!

B - green smoothie: cauliflower stems, collards (6-7 oz total), 1 T flax, strawberries, blueberries, 1/4 kiwi, persimmon

L - large salad: romaine, black beans, 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 small avocado, baby carrots
- 1 large orange, 1 apple

D - stir-fry vegetables: broccoli, carrots, mushrooms, cabbage, spinach
- 1 brownie

Picking myself up ... Again

The holidays are over and it's time to kick it back up. I feel like I'm always doing some kind of program - either "on" or "off" the wagon but the reality is that I need to ditch that mentality and just strive to be as ON as I can all the time. I am disappointed I am not going into 2010 at the goal weight I originally set for myself and have still not conquered my emotional eating demons, but what am I going to do? Give up, keep eating, and continue down this unhealthy path? Of course not. So I'm starting again - not January 1, RIGHT NOW.

It's technically "off-season" which means that although I am exercising a whole lot less, it is supposed to be easier for me to lose weight. Also, this is the best time to make a change like this so performance is not compromised when the workouts do pick up.

B - green smoothie: cauliflower stems, collards (7 oz total), 1 T flax, strawberries, blueberries, kiwi, persimmon

L - large salad: romaine, black beans, 1/2 green pepper, 1/2 small avocado, baby carrots
- 1 large orange

D - Chinese broccoli, 1/3 bag edamame, 2 oz RS sunflower seeds

E - swim: 1:00

Breaking the cycle

I've been having a hard time lately. Ever since I took a trip about 2 weeks ago, I've been eating SAD food and haven't gotten back to ETL like I should be. I'm discouraged. I usually start the day with good intentions. I wake up full of hope, generally get a workout in, have a healthy ETL breakfast and ETL lunch. Sometimes, I'll even make it through dinner, having a hearty ETL dinner of greens and beans.

But then something happens. I start to feel uneasy and have "cravings." I mentally battle this and know logically FULL well that they are just cravings and will pass. How can I be hungry -- I just ate! But I give in! What the heck! I start to eat whatever it is I'm craving -- generally either salt or sugar -- and then I feel like I've "blown it" and might as well start again tomorrow. But in the meantime, I'll just continue to eat crap!

TOTALLY ILLOGICAL.

It disturbs me that I can be successful in so many other areas of my life (career, relationships, etc) but can't seem to get a handle on something so simple as eating.

I'm tired of this cycle. But I'm not sure how to break it.

November 12, November 13

Yesterday I had planned on getting up early and doing a bike workout but when the alarm hit, I was sooooo tired and couldn't force myself out of bed. This is the third night of not getting enough sleep (6-ish hours) so I think my body was just needing to rest. I'm okay with this -- kind of -- but the OCD side of me feels guilty that I didn't get my workout in. Yes, I am crazy!

I wasn't hungry in the morning when I woke up and I think it's because of the overeating the previous night. I must try to remember that it's okay to be a little hungry before going to bed. I wasn't hungry until lunch time and when I finally ate that salad, it tasted really good. Fuhrman is right in that food tastes better when you're hungry. :)

I was supposed to go out with the BF to a local beer event. To prevent myself from being tempted at eating at the restaurant, I ended up drinking my morning smoothie around 5 pm. The traffic was bad and by the time we finally met up, it turns out we were both too tired to go downtown. We ended up at a pizza place and I didn't do too well - ended up having pizza!

B - nothing, wasn't hungry

L - large salad: romaine, cabbage, 1/2 medium avocado, baby carrots, 3/4 cup black beans, 1 small tomato, buttermilk-like dressing
- 1 mango
- 1 fuyu persimmon

S - green smoothie: 2 pears, strawberries, 1 T flax, 6.5 oz collards (really sweet and yummy)

D - 3 slices mushroom pizza, 1/2 bottle beer

E - pilates: 0:15

Today has been a better day. I got my morning AND evening workout in and so far, have been eating well. I'm feeling a little frustrated because I feel like I should have lost weight this week but I don't think I have. I know that my exercise isn't what it used to be since it's technically "off-season" and I'm not doing 4-hr bike rides or 2 hour daily sessions. I'm trying to stay positive and not let my mind go into the "throw in the towel" mentality. Because yeah - eating won't make me feel any better and it definitely won't help the situation!

I'm going to leave soon to spend time with the BF who will be cooking SAD food. He promises we'll take a trip to the grocery store soon though so I can show him what food I like to eat. Hah. So I don't overeat, I already ate some veggies. :) I will update this post tomorrow with whatever else he serves....

B - green smoothie: 1 pear, strawberries, 6.25 oz bok choy, 1 T flax seed

L - salad: romaine, cabbage, baby carrots, 1 small tomato, 1/2 large avocado, 3/4 cup black beans, buttermilk-like dressing
- 1 fuyu persimmon
- 1 fuji apple

D - small pot of broccoli, collards with tomato sauce
- 1 persimmon, 1 dried persimmon
- the rest is TBD

E - swim: 1:10, weights: 0:45

November 11

I felt tired this morning and really tired during the morning workout... almost like I was bonking. I wonder if I didn't eat enough last night?

I had major cravings today - mostly this afternoon. I think I'm looking for a break and wanting to do something else. I mostly survived (didn't eat SAD anyway) but ended up eating some sunflower seeds (more than I need and they were salted) because... oh, I don't know why - because somehow I justified it as being better than SAD. Yes, while it's better, I can DO better!

I had a massage scheduled today at 7 pm so I pieced together some odd food before I left. I wasn't hungry leaving the massage and had another victory since I went to the grocery store afterward and walked out with NO JUNK food. I even walked down the bakery and snack aisles tempted to take something! When I got home though, I was a bit "snacky" - but not hungry! I logically acknowledged this, but I still ended up eating. It wasn't a binge but definitely overeating. I didn't need it!

B - green smoothie: 2 pears, strawberries, 1 T flax, 6.5 oz collard greens

L - salad: romaine, 1 tomato, baby carrots, 1/2 avocado, 3/4 cup black beans, buttermilk-type dressing
- 1 persimmon

S - 2 oz RS sunflower seeds

D - (pre-massage) 1.5 cups garbanzo beans, 25 dates, 1/3 bag berries and cherries
- (after massage) 5 dried persimmons, about a pound of edamame peas

E - swim: 1:00

November 10

I'm really trying to get off my sugar/salt addiction so when the cravings hit, I've been allowing myself snacks of ETL-friendly food. In this case, it's been fruit. I didn't need the apple in the afternoon but I was fighting the urge to go by the admin's candy dish. I also didn't necessarily need to eat more after I came home from class at 10:30 pm, but I was feeling "snacky", in the middle of making green smoothies for the next day, and afraid I'd dive into some unhealthier habits so I allowed myself to eat more fruit. It's probably not going to help with weigh-loss, but so far, it's helping with bingeing!

B - green smoothie: 1 T flax, kiwi, strawberries, 6.5 oz kale
- 2 large fuji apples

L - large salad: romaine lettuce, 1/2 medium avocado, 1/2 cucumber, 3/4 cup black beans, 1 small tomato
- a lot of large seeded grapes (maybe 30?)

S - 1 lg fuji apple

D - steamed broccoli with tomato sauce
- 1 persimmon, 1 date, 1/3 bag frozen berries and cherries

E - bike: 0:40, run: 0:10

Weekly Goals: Nov 9 - Nov 15

I have to do everything in baby steps. It's the only way I won't get overwhelmed and the only way to stay focused. The main problem I need to address is the bingeing. Sure, I could blame emotions, stress, triggers, people, but in the end it's my choice to do it. Food has no power over me. Logically, I think I understand the problem now. I only do it at home -- alone -- and nowadays, it is always in front of the computer. It's my "wind down" time. I just veg out and internet surf. It's like mindless eating in front of a TV, except I do it in front of the computer. I cringe writing that.

It's just a BAD HABIT.

And any habit can be broken. I need to train my brain to do something else instead to wind down. I've thought of a few steps I can take in the right direction so here's what I'll focus on this week:

• NO eating in front of the computer. That's it. It's a rule that I can't break.


• Brush and floss my teeth right after dinner. I won't eat more because I'm too lazy to brush and floss again!


• Read my ARC after dinner and anytime I'm tempted to binge.


• Look at the list of things I could do instead of eating.