The morning after

Confession: I have a bit of an eating problem. I have a tendency to binge. I'll save the history for another day but presently, it is a problem I'm working on. It's gotten better and I understand it more, but I haven't conqured it yet. Instead of dealing with reality, I eat to escape. It masks the loneliness, the painful emotions, heck, even the boredom! It's become a coping mechanism for me... except that it has horrible consequences. I feel miserable afterward and of course, this only contributes to weight gain. People have asked me (and I'm sure more have wondered) how I can do the amount of exercise I do and STILL not be thin... well, what they don't know is that I'm hiding this secret.

As you can guess, that's what I did on Saturday.

Today I have one goal: eat without bingeing. I am going to a brunch in a little bit where there will be zero ETL-friendly food (ethnic brunch) so I'm going to try not to stress.

Day 9

It's been a pretty good day for a Friday. Sometimes when I stay in on Friday nights (alone), I tend to turn to food out of boredom.. or maybe loneliness? Today was a bit social in nature since I went to a potluck with some guests that are staying with me from out of town. It was a good time and kept me occupied at night when my thoughts generally turn to food.

One good move today... went for a swim in the morning and we all went to breakfast afterward. I survived without ordering ANYTHING except coffee (black) and then went to work where my green smoothie was waiting for me. Yay!

9:00 am - green smoothie: 2 oranges, blueberries and strawberries, 1 T flax, 6-7 oz kale and cauliflower stems

12:30 pm - steamed collards, mushrooms and cauliflower with tomatoes

6:30 pm - (potluck) boca burger (no bun), various salads, some fruit, sampled a few desserts

E - swim: 1:00

Day 8

My stomach has been acting a little weird lately. I am addicted to sugar. I can't seem to go one day without craving it intensely. I have also been giving in. I know that the only way to stop the addiction is to stop feeding it, but so far I have not been successful.

9:00 am - green smoothie: 2 oranges, blueberries and strawberries, 1 T flax, 6-7 oz mixed kale, cauliflower stems

12:30 pm - salad: romaine lettuce, 1 tomato, small avocado, green pepper, 1 T hummus
- 1 apple
- 1 lime bar a coworker gave me

4:00 pm - 2 bananas, 1 fun-size pkg m&ms

7:00 pm - steamed collards with mushrooms and tomatoes
- sampled a bit of a cake I made for a potluck tomorrow

E - run: 0:40

Day 7

I don't know how to handle social situations... the guys wanted to go to breakfast after the bike ride and then I went and had Indian food with friends for dinner. I don't like to draw attention to my strange eating habits and just shared in the food they ate.

8:00 am - bagel, hummus on the side

9:00 am - green smoothie: 2 oranges, 2 kiwis, 1 T flax seed, some strawberries, 8 oz cauliflower stems

12:30 pm - salad: romaine heart, 1 roma tomato, 1 small avocado, 1 green pepper, the rest of the hummus from breakfast, 2 oz roasted, salted sunflower seeds
- 1 apple

5:00 pm - 1/2 bag (5-6 oz?) edamame

7:30 pm - Indian food: 1 piece naan, some vegetarian curry, some rice, 1 samosa, dried fruit, 1 piece chicken

E - bike: 1:10

Day 6

A few days turned into more than an entire week! I'm not going to make excuses because they mean nothing. Just jumping back in and getting back to plan today... besides the sunflower seeds and marinara sauce, it looks ETL. Much better than the binge-fests of the weekend.

9:00 am - green smoothie: 2 oranges, 2 kiwis, a few strawberries, 9 oz cauliflower stems, 1 T flax seed

12:30 pm - salad: 1 romaine heart, 1 roma tomato, 1 green pepper, 1 small avocado; apple

5:00 pm - 2 oz roasted, salted sunflower seeds

7:00 pm - a huge amount (6-8 cups?) mixed boiled cabbage, mushrooms, and kale with commercial marinara sauce

E - bike: 0:45, run: 0:30

A little lapse...

I know it's been a few days now since I've logged anything. I've been putting in late hours at work and honestly the last thing I want to do is turn on the computer when it's 10 pm at night and I should have been asleep an hour ago. But I know that without logging, I tend to let more things slip. The last few days have been somewhat ETL-ish, but definitely closer to 60% versus the 95% I'm striving for.

Today should be the last day I've had to stay late so I hope to return to regular logging tomorrow. No more excuses already.

The First Weekend

I know my days haven't been 100% perfect ETL... they are probably closer to 80-85% but this was the first real test over the weekend and I'm sorry to say I fell off the wagon. I have a hard time adhering to the guidelines in social situations and being the "weird eater" and this is what threw me off.

I had a party on Saturday and another social gathering today and both days I ate many things I shouldn't have (pasta, sweets, meat, to name a few). I feel horrible writing this and I'm hoping this feeling will stick with me so I don't slide like this again. I also feel physically gross and have a huge headache.

I'm getting back on the wagon starting now.

Day 5

Sorry that my titles are not very interesting but I am not an especially creative person! Today was "Bike to Work Day" and for the first time, I participated! It's a good 25 miles away and though I've often brought my bike to ride before work or at lunch, I've never actually commuted via bike. The morning ride was nice -- cool, lots of cyclists, minimal traffic. The ride home was something else... the wind had picked up, there was more traffic, and I was tired. On top of that, a road I had taken home was closed due to an event so I took a detour which added another 20 minutes.

I had plans for a dinner out with a friend at a Mexican restaurant. Definitely not 100% ETL but it could have been worse. I also didn't need the chocolate or powerbar mid-day but I was feeling really hungry.

7:00 am - (during bike ride) 1 GU

8:30 am - green smoothie: 1 T flax seed, 4 oz mango, 8 oz strawberries, 6 oz mixture of kale and parsley; 1 oz sunflower seeds

12:00 pm - salad: romaine, cucumber, 1 tomato, small avocado, roasted red and yellow bell peppers.
- Tuscan Greens and Beans soup, 2.5 servings?

4:00 pm - fun-size m&ms, powerbar

5:30 pm - (during bike ride): 1 GU

7:00 pm - (Mexican restaurant): 1 potato taco, 1 fish taco, 1 bean burrito, 5 tortilla chips, salsa

E - bike: 3 hours, broken

Days 3 & 4

Got home pretty late last night doing a club race so I didn't have time to log in. I ate some things off-plan yesterday, but I think I still did well considering the circumstances... I'm still dealing with how to handle social situations. Luckily, I was pretty beat after the race (felt like throwing up) so I didn't want to eat the food. I got away with eating just 1 slice of pizza and no dessert! Of course, later when I got home and had showered an hour later, I was starving!

9:00 am - green smoothie: 1 orange, 8 oz strawberries, 1 T flax seed, 6 oz cauliflower stems
- 1 oz sunflower seeds

12:30 pm - large serving caponata + broccoli + black-eyed peas

2:00 pm - fun-size m&ms

5:00 pm - powerbar (before race)

7:00 pm - 1 slice veggie pizza, some salad, but no dessert!
8:30 pm - 1 artichoke, 1 small berry muffin (supposedly low-fat, made by roommate), 1 cookie biscuit

E - bike: 1:10, swim: 10 min, run: 25 min

I am doing really well this week not bingeing and following all of my bad-habit goals, but I don't seem to be able to have one day where I don't have at least one "treat." I'm not getting down on myself because this is definitely an improvement... just noticing.

8:30 am - green smoothie: 1 T flax seed, 4 oz mango, 8 oz strawberries, 6 oz kale and parsley

1:00 pm - salad: 1/2 head romaine, small avocado, tomato, 1/4 cucumber, roasted red peppers
- caponata + broccoli (2 cups?), + 3/4 cup black eyed peas

5:00 pm - 1 pc dove chocolate, 1 oz sunflower seeds, 1 apple

7:00 pm - bite of roommate's bean burrito, 3 bowls tuscan veggie soup, spoonful of candied kumquats

E - run: 0:40

Day 2

I woke up hungry. That's a first. I almost felt like eating something, but the "I'm starving!" feeling subsided. We had a hard workout today of bike/run intervals and later, the coach talked about the importance of eating before our workouts. He said it should be around 300 calories and that you could drink juice if it was hard to take in food that early in the morning. This is pretty standard advice in sports nutrition and it makes me wonder if I should be eating beforehand again. I used to have oatmeal before my workouts which worked well, but ETL advocates less frequent meals so I've stopped doing them. I haven't noticed a decrease in performance yet, so for now I'll stick with not eating.

I got very hungry this morning around 11 am and again around 3 pm. Those used to be my standard snacking times. I had a strong desire to buy something from the vending machine at work. But I had brought extra food with me and questioning whether I wanted to eat the food I brought. The answer was "no" which proved it was a craving, not real hunger.

Around 4 pm, I really did want to eat my food, so I caved and had some beans. I also have a huge headache today, but I'm guessing that's from the "detox."

9 am - green smoothie: 1 orange, 8 oz strawberries, cauliflower stems, kale, parsley, 1 T flax seed

11 am - apple

12 pm - salad: romaine, small avocado, roasted peppers, 1/2 cucumber, 1 tomato, no dressing
- caponata with added broccoli and 3/4 cup black-eyed peas

4 pm - 3/4 cup black-eyed peas

7 pm - went out with roommate to a Korean tofu house: tofu soup with mushrooms, pickled vegetables (probably too much salt)

E - bike: 0:50, run: 0:30, during workout: sports drink (100 cal)

It's not perfect with the snacking, but it's far better than I've been doing recently and I won having not given in to the siren call of the vending machine.

Day 1/42

My first healthy eating day in a looooong time.

9 am - 1 lb mixed vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, carrot mix), 1 T flax seed, 1 apple, 1 orange

12 pm - broccoli, kale, bok choy, tomato mix (about 2 cups), 1 apple, 1 orange

4 pm - rest of lunch: 2 more cups of the veggie mix

7:30 pm - salad: romaine, roasted red peppers, 1/2 cucumber, balsamic vinegar, 1 small avocado, Caponata (Broccoli-Mushroom Relish), pineapple

E - swim: 1:10, bike: 0:15

I had an exercise test after lunch so I didn't want to eat too much and saved the rest of the food for later, when I was really hungry (late afternoon). No real cravings today yet. My roommate thought I was pretty weird seeing the amount of vegetables I was eating though.

Good Changes

I thought I'd start with a list of the things I HAVE done right so far. I believe that having a positive attitude leads to success! Cheesy, I know.

In the past 6 months:

• I've given up diet coke. I used to be addicted and would drink at least one everyday. No more!


• I've stopped eating dairy. This was tough. Though it wasn't hard to give up cheese, I like milk (I'm actually grateful I'm not lactose-intolerant!) and yogurt. I used to make my own nonfat yogurt all the time. I drink coffee black now because places seem to never have soy milk to put in the coffee. Yes, coffee is something I should eventually give up also but one thing at a time!


• I've cut down meat consumption by 90%. It's not 100% and I'm not sure that it ever will be. I like seafood.


• I've stopped eating before workouts. Every sports nutrition book will tell you to eat breakfast before working out. I always used to have 1/2 cup of oats before a workout, sometimes with raisins or nuts. I've stopped that. I'm not totally convinced that this was a good change (how can every sports dietitian and professional athlete be wrong?), but I haven't noticed any adverse effects to my performance during workouts (including long bike rides) so I will stick to this for now.
  

A wake-up call.

Long story short: Read Eat to Live (henceforth, ETL) but the book that cemented it was reading The China Study. How can one continue to eat animal products after reading that?! I've been trying at it since August of last year but am still not 100%. I did initially lose 5 lbs (with 10 lbs left to get to Fuhrman's "ideal weight") but had a relationship end in March. Two month's worth of pity parties later (yes, I am an emotional eater), and I'm now at my heaviest.

I had a wake up call yesterday. Actually, I've had three in the last week:

I tried to put on a skirt this morning and couldn't get the zipper up.

Tonight, a close friend, who has been staying with me, poked me in the stomach and half-jokingly asked, "What's up with the belly?" Ouch. I was mortified. He is brutally honest.

Last weekend I saw my parents at a family party. My mother pulled me aside and asked if I was pregnant. She honestly thought I was! I wanted to die.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

I'm committing to the 6-week plan (again), starting Monday. But "my way" this time. I know it won't be perfect. Don't try to tell me I can commit if I really want to... I know myself and stating that I have to do anything 100% just brings out the perfectionist and drives me crazy... it causes too much anxiety and sets up the all-or-nothing attitude that usually ends up in thinking I'm a failure and giving up after one slip. So I'm going to do the best I can. My way will pretty much be sticking to the original 6-week plan outlined in the book with the following exception:

I'm going to use non-ETL food for training. I'm a triathlete and eat processed energy gels, bars, drinks, etc. during training. I'm not giving this up.. for now. One problem at a time...

I started this blog as a place for me to write down meals and thoughts about what is working and what isn't. Who knows, maybe someone else will find this helpful?