Taking a brief respite

I haven't been progressing with Beck as I should be because last week I was focused on a triathlon I did over the weekend and next week I'll be on vacation. So because I feel that my Beck skills could use some honing (can anyone say "Make time for dieting"?) I am going to focus this week on improving my skills, enjoy myself on vacation next week, and hit it full force when I return.

I'm not saying I will be giving myself a free pass to let myself eat whatever I want and overeat while on vacation. I just won't be able to sit at a computer, log food, and give the program my attention like I would back home. I fully expect to come back from vacation the same weight when I return.

Beck - Day 20: Get Back On Track

How ironic, since yesterday I was decidedly OFF-track. I am having a hard time staying motivated. I go through what seems like motivation spurts... super duper motivated for days -- usually a week -- and then the next week, I want to give up. I'm not sure why but I've noticed this distinctly this month. First week of June was great and on track. Second week not so much. Third week was strict and back on track (until Sunday) and now I'm feeling less motivated again. What gives?

Yes, I'm reading all the reasons I'm doing this and I know all of the health reasons for doing so as well, but I really want to eat SAD food. I keep thinking about it. Even though I know how horrible it is for me. And even though I love eating this way too.

So yesterday I struggled and ate pretty well for most of the day, including dinner, but blew it in the last couple of hours before bed.

Since today's task is to get back on track, that's what I'm going to do.... whether I want to or not. So far, I haven't been very hungry. I couldn't eat breakfast even after my morning workout because I was still bloated and full from last night. I went to the gym again at lunch and even after that, I wasn't very hungry. I finally ate a small salad around 2 pm and felt normal hunger around dinner time.

And now I'm going to give myself credit for getting back on track and making my "get back on track" response card.

I still have to figure out this motivation problem...

Beck - Day 19: Stop Fooling Yourself

I had a jam-packed weekend and was home for just enough time to shower and get ready for the next thing before heading out again. No time to do any Beck. Ironically, I probably could have used the skill highlighted in today's task throughout the weekend! I got off track and now it's time to get back on. No guilt, just moving on so this doesn't become a streak of off-track meals or days.

Today's task is to answer back to the voice of temptation. It's that little voice inside you that reasons, "It's okay to eat this [off-plan food] because ... " Lots of seemingly logical reasons are listed but the ones that I use the most are:

• it's a special occasion
• it'll go to waste
• it's just this one time
• I'm upset/happy/angry/lonely/tired

I "fool myself" all the time so this is something that needs a lot of work. Every time I think I can eat something not on my food plan, I need to read the response card I just wrote ("It's not okay to eat this food because...").

I think this may have actually helped today. I'm not feeling particularly motivated since I was so off-track yesterday and was having feelings of "What's the point? I might as well give up now." I even went so far as to get some unplanned food out with the intention of eating it and starting a binge right there.

But I didn't.

I thought about how I was just fooling myself and that I needed to step away and strengthen my resistance muscle.

Whew, that was close.

Beck - Day 18: Change Your Definition of Full

Building on the skills from the last few days, today's task is to monitor your fullness and stop before overeating and feeling overly full. This is good timing for me since this is something I struggle with. It's interesting that infants intrinsically know when to stop eating and will refuse food when they're full. When did I lose the ability to do that? At some point, eating to the point of feeling stuffed was "normal." It was comforting and felt right.

The great thing about ETL is that I'm finding this is an easier skill to master. I'm not sure why, but it seems easier for me to recognize when I am satisfied on ETL food. Perhaps because the food doesn't contain the addictive qualities of sugar, fat and salt? I admit that I still go into a small panic though. It is odd to be getting full on what seems like not very much food at all. I haven't tallied the calories, but I can't imagine there are much in a large salad of raw vegetables and dressing (ETL-friendly).

Another good day down!

Beck - Day 17: End Overeating

Today's task is to leave some extra food on your plate that is not on your daily food plan and eat your food while leaving the extra food untouched. Sounds easy enough right? This is for the clean plate eaters who were raised to always finish all of the food on their plates. I know I'm guilty of this. I can remember being reminded constantly of the "starving people" in some country to get me to finish my food. I've gotten better at this over the years though it is something I do have to still think about. I find that a lot of the time, the food tastes so good that I want to keep eating, despite being satisfied.

I practiced this skill today at lunch by overloading my bowl with additional cherries that I planned on eating. There were 5 additional ones that I wasn't supposed to eat. I didn't think this was going to be difficult, but it was interesting to observe the mental thoughts that raced through my brain:

These cherries are sooooo good. I want to keep eating them.

There are only a few more left, I should just finish them off.

Stop staring at me delicious cherries!

I left them on my desk for a while before putting them away and of course, giving myself credit.

I practiced this today at dinner as well, by serving myself some extra food and putting the rest away when I felt satisfied. This is a skill I've only recently begun to exercise. I'm so used to shoving food in my mouth. But it really helps to pause and ask myself what my hunger level is.

Beck - Day 16: Prevent Unplanned Eating

Today I'm to write a NO CHOICE response card (done!) and firmly make it a rule to NOT deviate from my food plan (written out last night). We make rules in all areas of our lives (e.g. "I will brush my teeth every day") and the idea is to make sticking to the food plan a "rule." This is supposed to take the internal struggle away from contemplating eating something off the food plan. How many times do you struggle with yourself over whether or not to eat something??

I find myself doing this often, and the struggle was in full force today. The period between 3 pm and 7 pm was especially difficult. I had to read the "NO CHOICE" card at least 3 times! But it did make it easier. I went shopping at the market after work and where usually I would fight with myself over whether or not to buy a little "snack" for the road or something I shouldn't be letting into the house, I just told myself "NO CHOICE" and moved on.

NO CHOICE.
"Stick to the plan. No matter how you feel. No matter what. No excuses."

Beck - Day 15: Monitor Your Eating

Today's task is to have your food plan written the day before and monitor your food as you eat it. You're supposed to check off the items you ate and write down any unplanned items, circling them for emphasis. This is supposed to happen right after you've eaten, since it is not unusual for people to under report the food they eat. It's easy to forget the bites of your child's food, samples, etc.

This was an easy task for me today and I didn't have any problems. I ended up substituting two items but they were minimal and the calories/nutrients were the same anyway. I think I'm supposed to continue to do this though and I'm not sure for how long...?

Also, it still amazes me how much easier it is to stop eating when I'm satisfied if I'm eating ETL nutrient-rich food. I'm also finding I am getting fuller faster on what seems like not much food.

Did I just jinx myself?

I wrote that optimistic post last week and then proceeded to have a very bad week where I fell short on my goals.

I think it's time for me to start writing about my progress with Beck. I was trying not to move past a day unless I had mastered the skill for the day, but I find that I'm procrastinating. And, although the first week in June went well, last week was anything but. I knew what I needed to do but was having a hard time staying motivated. I was rebelling and not doing a very good job of keeping myself motivated and talking back to the negative thoughts. I need to get back on track.

Day 14 is about writing down your food plan for the day. I am doing this using a handy iPhone app called Lose It. I like it because I can easily enter meals from the previous day. Since I eat a lot of the same things days in a row, this makes entering food fast. The only thing I don't like about the app (so far) is the lack of options when entering in food. I can look up black beans for example, but the measurements are in 1/4 cup increments. I would prefer they offered the ability to enter in other units, such as ounces or grams. My Net Diary has that feature but I'm so attached to the "previous meals" option that it hasn't been enough to get me to switch over.

I wrote my food plan for today and tomorrow out. It's pretty easy doing ETL. Breakfast? Green smoothie. Lunch? Salad with beans +/- fruit. Dinner? Salad +/- cooked vegetables +/- fruit/sorbet

I'm trying to keep things as simple as possible now.

Oh, and a weigh in

I weighed in this morning at 118.4 lbs. I'm not sure that I quite believe it and am going to continue weighing daily to see if the number sticks around.

Unfortunately, the body fat number is still quite high.

Something is working

I haven't been posting regularly but am surprisingly doing very well. So well that I'm getting nervous.

After a big holiday weekend filled with social events and two nights of bingeing, I decided on June 1st I was going to kick this awful habit once and for all. That's my #1 goal for the month of June.

It's June 7th and I'm 7 days into being binge-free. I haven't made it past 10 days in a very, VERY long time.

I am still working through the Beck book, but am taking it at a much slower pace. Sometimes I don't have the time to read the next day's assignment and I also want to feel that I've mastered the concepts of the current day before moving on. I am probably at day 13. But a very successful Day 13. I am reading my ARC 2x/day, giving myself credit, and trying to talk back to those negative thoughts as much as possible. I am working on mastering distinguishing between the desire to eat and truly being hungry and using the behavioral techniques to combat cravings.

I think it's working.